How to find out what others really think about you?

"To find out another persons real opinion ask them what they believe everyone else thinks"

Humans are mostly delusional!

In a research study  done in 1997 a thousand people were asked this question...who do you think is most likely to get into heaven?   Here are some of the results..

52%  said Bill Clinton
79%  said Mother Teresa
87%  said themselves

In some ways it is an advantage to be a little delusional but the evidence is clear, if you want to know the truth you can't always trust your own judgement.  So is asking others the best way to get a true response?

When you ask someone for their personal opinion you many times get a guarded to distorted response.   The reasons may vary;   they may want to protect your feelings or they may not want you to know their true feelings about something. 

For instance imagine that you ask someone what they think about your public speaking abilities?    The truth might well be that they think you suck at it and should keep your day job.   Instead they may something like....well, you're new at it but I can see some promise if you work on it.   Their answer is trying to go easy on you and it doesn't reflect their true belief. 

Now imagine asking them.....what do you believe others think about my public speaking?    Now, they are free to be more critical because its not what they believe, it is opinion of others.   Except it's not!   It is actually what they believe. 

No matter the question you will get a more honest answer if you ask them what they believe others think?

"There is nothing you can learn from a compliment but much that can be learned from constructive criticism"

What are some benefits of using this technique..

*  Understand the true objections to a sale
*  Know how you are being perceived
*  Find out where you are in the sales process
*  Get to the truth quickly and easily

Just remember...don't ask if you don't want to hear the truth!

So what do you believe others will think about this idea?

The Public Praiser.....instant likeability and more persuasive

"We are most easily persuaded by those who like and admire us"

Even the most powerful people appreciate public praise.   I have yet to witness anyone who disliked having kind words said about them to others.   Some may say it embarrases them and maybe that is so but inside they love it.  When we are witness to someone telling others about how wonderful or talented we are it causes us to like that person.   It just feels good.

But wait it gets better...

When you praise someone in public it doesn't just affect the person on the receiving end of the praise.   It also affects those that are witness to the praise.  It has a positive affect on their opinion of the one doing the praising.   We like those that are generous to others as long as we believe they are sincere.   If it is phony praise meant to suck up to someone important then it becomes an exteme negative and can ruin your reputation.

5 Benefits of being a public praiser...

1.  Whatever resistance to you or your ideas is melted away by the  appreciation for a sincere compliment made in public.  That person is then open to at least hearing out your requests or ideas.

2.  Deepens the bonds of friendship and likeability.

3.  It is a confidence builder for both you and the other person.

4.  As long as it is perceived as genuine others will admire you and sometimes secretely wonder if you might one day praise them publicly. 

5.  When you get really good at it, you can make people cry  (especially women)  and nobody calls you a jerk for doing it.

Bonus..

When you shine the spotlight on someone else they will love you for it.   And the good news is that praise can be divided infinitly and never be diminished.  Making others feel good also makes us feel good. 

And it gets even better...

I've gotten a lot of really great hugs out it which was more than worth the price of admission for me.  

Something to really think about...

"If you get your business based on the best price, product or service; you could lose that business when someone with a better price, product or service comes along.   However, if they like you then you  really have to screw up before they will take their business elsewhere"

A small change in the way you hold your body can make you more successful

Your body language affects how you feel and how risk oriented you will be.   Adapting a power pose like the one above for just 2 minutes will make you feel more powerful and persuasive.  It truly is amazing. 

Here's why...

When you hold a power pose for a few minutes your testosterone level rises.   When you hold a low power pose it falls.   Testosterone is like a bravery or boldness chemical in your body.   It makes you feel empowered and confident.   That's a good thing!

Here are some other examples of high power poses...

and here's what a low power pose looks like...(and that's a bad thing)

Now we can't make a presentation or doing an interview with a power pose or it will create a bad impression.  However, if you can sneak away somewhere and do a 2 minute power pose you can walk in the room with a greater confidence and boldness. 

Keep this in mind if you have to give a talk or before you enter a meeting and you will be amazed at how it affects your presentation.   I've tried it and it works!

This is one of those 'fake it till you make it'  techniques. 

How to be awesome when you screw up!

 

Some people cling to the idea that if they admit they are wrong or ask for help that they will be seen to be week.    Even the powerful fall into this trap.   That just isn't true. 

The problem with not admitting you are wrong is that you then have to defend a position that you know is wrong.   It is a terrible position to get trapped into.  You become a prisoner of your own doing.  

What to do when you realize you were wrong but want to be seen as being awesome.

1.  Admit you were wrong
2.  Say you are sorry
3.  Say what you've learned

That's it!  

I am reminded of a master of this technique, Ralph Klein the former Premier of the Province of Alberta.   He was a leader who made many mistakes and yet the people loved him for it, because he used this technique.    Unlike almost any other politician I've ever seen he would stand before the cameras and admit he had screwed up, apologize and promise to make it right.

And how did the voters respond?    They gave him massive landslide victory after another.   Why?   Because they saw him as human.   They saw him as being one of them.   They were quick to forgive him of his mistakes and loved the guy for his honesty and vulnerability.  And it drove the opposition NUTS!

PLUS, he didn't get caught in the trap so many politicians make for themselves.   He didn't have to try and defend something that was wrong.   Why the other politicians never learned this lesson is beyond me. 

"Saying you're sorry and apologizing makes you look awesome"

What about asking for help?

As long as you are not just looking for handouts, asking for help is an incredible persuasion technique.   First, to the person being asked it is a great compliment because it demonstrates that you have the power to help.

It also takes a certain confidence to ask for help.   It shows you are not hiding behind a false ego.   A manager who asks an employee to help him has just gained a big fan.   It can be a great compliment and motivator to be asked by a superior to help out.   It is a much greater motivator than being told to do something.  It creates a bond between the asker and the giver.

It is also a shortcut to success.    Here is an example...

Recently I was attempting to sell an investor an expensive property.   I sensed my presentation was going nowhere fast.    So I stopped and said to him....I am wondering if you could help me?    I can tell you are not that interested in my proposal.   It would sure help me if you were tell me what it would take to get your business?

What followed is he really spilled the beans.   He told me exactly how to sell to him!  Long story short I made the sale.

Asking for help can also give you a tremendous advantage over your competitiors.   No sense wasting time and resources trying to guess what your boss or custormer wants.   Just ask for their help.   They will be complimented and recognize how smart you are for seeking their wise counsel.  

"Asking for help can make you look awesome"

CONFESSION TIME...

I'm sure in my life that I have being wrong many, many times.   I'm sorry and please accept my apology.   I promise to do better next time!

Secrets of likeability and persuasion power!

"The idea of a self made man (or woman) is just one big myth"

It is possible to succeed without much help from others.   But that is a slow and painful process and rarely works.   The truth is that our success is most often determined by our interpersonal skills.   We need as many people as possible on our side and as few or better none working against us.   And we need the ability to persuade and influence others to help us reach our goals.

"Given the choice we prefer to do business with those we like"

Likeable traits such as honesty, dependability, respect cannot be just turned on and off.   Others are watching and if they see that you are nice when you want something and then dismissive to those who can do nothing for you, they form a negative opinion of you.  Sometimes all it takes is one person bad mouthing you behind your back to destroy an opportunity for you.

How can I improve my likeability and ability to persuade?

Seek the similarities

The more we have in common with someone the more likeable they think they are.   Every similaritiy counts.....

* are you from the same town
* do you cheer for the same team
* do you enjoy the same sports
* do you like the same movies, books or music
* do you like the same activities
* do you have kids the same age

The list could go on endlessly but you get the idea.    Find some similarities and your odds of being liked go up.   And as your likeability goes up so does your ability to persuade and influence.  

Mirror the other person

Mirroring the other person creates trust and comfort with you.   Here are some ways to mirror another person...

* mirror their body movements (make sure to pause 2-4 seconds before you mimic their movement or you'll be perceived as disingenuous.
* mirror voice...including pace, volume, vocabulary, expressions and tone

Mirroring is something lovers and close friends do quite naturally.   So when you mirror someone they start to feel that you have a connection with them.   Their resistance drops, they get comfortable with you and are open to your suggestions. 

The Power of Touch

Yes I realize this is a touchy subject (pun intended).  But humans crave touch.  We frequently seek touch from those we like.   Understanding how to use touch can increase your likeablility and your persuasion powers. 

Their is a safe zone for touch which is from the shoulder to the hand.    A hug or arm around the shoulders or waist is only appropriate with someone you already have a relationship with.  

How to use touch..

Warm up your hand when possible before shaking hands.   My favorite trick is hold a hot coffee in my hand.   That way when you shake hands your hand will be nice and warm.   You've heard the expression warm hands = warm heart.   Well psychologically that is exactly the message that gets conveyed.

Touch and request..

A manager who puts his hand on an employees shoulder and then asks him to do something has just drastically increased the odds that the job will get done quicker and better.    He is also creating a bond between himself/herself and the employee.  Likeability goes up as does respect.   We like those who seem to like us.   It's powerful stuff if used properly

Another variation is to make a request while shaking hands.  For instance, a salesperson might shake hands with a client and at the same time say something like this.....Thanks for giving me some of your time,  would you mind if I called your again next week Bill?    It is very difficult to say no to a request when you are making physical contact with another person. 

It is very persuasive to use their name

This is the simpliest and yet proably one the most persuasive techniques you can use.   We love hearing our name spoken.   So start and end every conversation with a persons name.   When you use this method I guarantee you will notice a slight difference in the other person.   Your name is you!   So when you use another persons name frequently you are recognizing them as a person.   Powerful stuff for managers, sales staff and anyone who wants to persuade another.  

Remember....close with their name!   Whether it is a conversation, an email, letter or text end with the persons name.   You don't need to sign an email off with your name, they know who you are.   Instead close a conversation or email with something like this....I appreciate your time and I'll look forward to talking to you again Dan!

Have some fun...

It takes a lot of mental energy being around people who are too serious.   It is draining.   We seek and love levity.   Yes, there are times when we need to be serious but those are rare.   We love being around and doing business with those who are light hearted.   So have some fun!

I have lots more I could say but as Mark Twain said....a good talk (or article)  should be like a womans dress.   Long enough to cover the main points and short enough to maintain interest.   (sorry ladies I couldn't resist)

The magic of mirroring..

"We like and trust those who seem to be most like us"

 

A quick glance at the above photo and we can see that President Obama and Prime Minister Cameron look like two little peas in a pod.   They dress the same and walk with their suit jackets slung over their shoulders.   It's not hard to imagine that they have good rapport. 

 

That is what mirroring is all about.   Creating the feeling that you and the person you wish to influence are similar and therefore subconsiously feel you can trust each other.  Matching the behaviors and movements of others creates feelings of liking and strengthens bonds between two people.

"It is far easier and natural to say yes to those we like"

Researchers found that when one party was instructed to mirror the other, the two parties reached agreement 67% of the time.   When no one mirroed the other, they reached agreement only a paltry 12% of the time.   Isn't that amazing?

 

Here are some of the ways to mirror someone...

 

Voice

 

Mimic the tone, volume and pace of the other persons voice.  He pauses before speaking and you do likewise.   You may also choose to mimic expressions and vocabulary.  

 

I remember a time when a salesman who had a bad habit of swearing was attempting to sell a client a warehouse.    He had no success and was frustrated that the client didn't appreciate what a great deal it was.    A few days later I ran into his client.  We had a polite conversation and he revealed why he not bought the property.    He didn't like the foul mouthed salesman.  He was a devoutly regligious man and was greatly offended by the salesman. 

 

Body movements

 

Your client crosses his legs, you cross yours.

He leans forward, you lean forward

He rubs his chin, you rub your chin

You get the idea..

 

Remember though to pause 2 to 4 seconds before you slowly mimic his movement.  As long as you do this he will never realize what you are doing. 

 

 

 

Nodding 

 

This is a very sutle way to draw a person into saying more.  All you do is every once in awhile look into her eyes and give 3 almost invisible nods.   This creates the feeling that you are in agreement and most interested.   I have used this many times on quiet introverted types with great success.   And you don know that your job as a persuader is get them to talk more than you.   Your greatest success will come when you a great listener.

 

Seek similarities

 

Find out what you have in common with the person you wish to pesuade.   This could include;   sports, hobbies, activities, humor, entertainment, politics, beliefs etc.   The list could go on endlessly but the more similarity you can find the quicker you can form a bond and build trust.

 

Powerful Persuasion Phrases

 

So what you are saying is....    After using the phrase you simply repeat back in your own words what you've just been told.   This makes the other person feel that you are truly listening to them.   They feel like you are on the same page. 

 

I understand or I agree...   Of course you can only say this if you do in fact agree.  

 

How will I know whether mirroring is working?

 

After mirroring a persons voice and body movements for a few minutes change things up.   If they are leaning back then you lean forward.   If they follow your movement you know that you are in perfect sync with them.  If they don't follow your lead then just keep on mirroring them and try again later. 

 

This is just the bare basics in mirroring.    For instance, you could even mirror their breathing pattern which is also very effective. 

 

Why mirroring works...

 

Mirroring is something you already do.    If you are with a loved one you will quite naturally mirror and mimic each other.   We all know couples that are so in sync with each other that they can finish each other sentences.   It's naturally to be in sync with family and friends.  

 

"Mirroring its not magic but it can sure feel like it"

 

 

 

 

 

 

  

Is this the very best shortcut to success?

There are incredibly smart people who would love to help you if you would just ask!

In life and business you can do it the hard way or you could just ask for help or advice.  This one of those lessons that I dearly wished I would learned when I was much younger.

 

My favorite billionaire Richard Branson tells the story of how when he was starting out Virgin Airlines he had the good fortune to meet Freddie Laker who had owned his own airline in Great Britain.   Richard asked for his advice.   Freddie was only too happy to give Richard advice and even more important what not to do.   Against all odds Richard Branson made Virgin Airlines a huge success against over-whelming odds.  It would have been possible if he had been too proud to ask for help and advice. 

Even for powerful people one of the most intoxicating and flattering things is to be asked for advice.   It not only validates you to be asked, it causes you to think the one asking must be smart because they chose you.   It is near impossible to turn down someone who asks for advice.

 

"If you want a high powered mentor, ask for their advice first"

By asking for advice you remove their resistance to helping you.   Those in higher positions don't have the time to help everyone, their time is very precious.   However, they just can't resist showing off their wisdom and smarts when asked for advice.   You get their ear by asking for advice and giving their response your complete and undivided attention and appreciation.   More often than not they will conclude with something like.....'feel free to contact me if you need more advice'.   And BINGO just like that the door is open for you to make more contact!

"To gain influence or to persuade someone first ask for their advice"

I remember clearly how I got my first major client.   When I finally got to talk to him I told him that I was new to the business and I wondered if he could give me some advice?   I asked him what advice he could give me as a rookie realtor? That opened the door and he flooded me with all kinds of valuable information.    So instead of me trying to sell figure out how to sell him he virtually told me the secrets of how to sell to him in the future.  By asking for his advice I gained his respect and access to talk to him anytime.   He admired my wise choice of seeking him out for advice.  Beautiful!

"Don't let your stupid ego get in the way of your success"

Some fools think that they are too proud to ask for help or advice.    That's just plain silly!   The truth is that people in power love to help those who ask.   And you never know what kind of powerful ally or even friend you might make just by asking.